Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Nemo has ruined me.

We're not really big pet people.  Neither Eric or I grew up with pets, so I don't think I have the maternal pet instinct.  For Kendall's birthday, I decided to get her a fish.  While we were at it, we'll throw one in for Sydney too.

As we were getting ready to head out for our trip last week, I remembered the stupid fish in the house.  I brought them with to my mom's, who was going to keep them for the week.  That way they didn't have to shuttle back and forth with the kids to Eric's mom's.

We picked the girls up from my MIL's on Sunday.  Later in the day my mom texts that they'll stop over one night this week, as she still has Kendall's dance costume, an anniversary card, the fish and some other stuff.  I was puzzled for a long time, wondering why she was sending fish.  I don't even eat fish! Besides, it just stinks up the house, so I wanted to tell her to just keep them.

Doh.  I already forgot all about the family pets.  In my defense, the kids did too.  I really wish they didn't have a 2 year life span.  This confirms that Fido will not be joining our household any time in the near future.

We went to my parent's last night to get everything and got the fish.  zomg, those effers stink.  I hate them.  I hate cleaning the bowl, I hate the smell of the fish food, and I hate that the girls don't even remember that they have fish.  Stupid gift.

My dad told me he'd just flush them yesterday, and I was seriously contemplating it.  Then, in my mind all I could hear were PETA activists going apeshit and saying that you shouldn't buy a pet if you don't have the time and commitment to take care of it, and how selfish I was.  I don't really think these little fish count as pets so much, but I still was guilted by my imaginary bashing from imaginary people.

I took the stinky little fish home, hoping they'd somehow freeze and/or suffocate in the bag I had them in during the drive.  Or, maybe I'd hit a pothole and they'd knock on the tank and get a head trauma and die.  No such luck.  They're durable little things.

Upon another smell of the dirty water, I started contemplating holding a nice little ceremony and wishing them bon voyage through our pipes to the nice watery sewers where they could swim freely.  Again, cue imaginary guilt trip.  So, I start cleaning their tank.  Have I mentioned the smell yet??

Apparently, those crazy things like to swim in their own filth, because they kept swimming away from me as I tried to scoop them out.  I finally caught Eight, when I saw something floating.  I accidentally ripped off one of his fins. Uhhhh, oops?  I dumped it down the drain with the dirty water so he wouldn't have to be reminded of his dismemberment, which I think was the humane thing to do.  After that I kept a close eye on him, and I felt like his little front fins were spinning like crazy.  As if he wasn't already swimming in circles, I think he's going to have a really hard time not getting dizzy as he's now lopsided.

Here's my confession - I keep thinking about it and feeling bad that I ripped his limb off.  Does he have phantom pain where it should have been?  PTSD? Is life still worth living for him? Is he crying to Soupy through the tank separator to just remove it and let Soupy take him out? Survival of the fittest coming to fruition.

That damn fish won me over with my guilt.  I keep thinking of lovable little Nemo, and the joy I felt in my heart when he was reunited with his dad.  I don't want to get to the pearly gates some day and have "Fish Torturer" on my permanent record.  I now have to do a penance and give him extra {stinky} food and pretend to care for that stupid thing.  That, or let Eric get rid of them so I can still have a clean conscience.

 I'm just glad I didn't get a parrot.  I can't handle really being mocked by a pet talking back to me.


  1. LOL. I was thinking of getting the boys a fish for Christmas. I might rethink that plan :)

  2. I'll be happy to send them your way!  :)

  3. This made me laugh. Poor fish, but I share your hatred of them. I refuse to get Quinn a fish and if anyone ever buys one for her I will kill them!

  4. Hey, Tessa - I cleaned that water twice while you were gone. Who would think 2 scrawny fish could poop so much! i thought setting them out in the garage when you were leaving might put them out of their misery:)


Leave some love