Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Can I whine for a minute?

In a couple short weeks, Sydney will be the exact age that Kendall was when Sydney was born.  That's just insane to me on how much time has flown by.  It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with Sydney, and waddling around that big belly.

I've said it before, but I loved being pregnant.  Of course there was the uncomfortable periods, the exhaustion, the reflux, etc.  But, that feeling of carrying your child inside of you is beyond words.  To know that they are relying, solely on you, for their being.  I loved that for those 9 glorious month, by baby was always with me; was a part of me.  I miss laying in bed and watching my belly jump around.  To watch the little gymnast(s) in action.

Being a mother to 2 kids that are less than 2 years apart can definitely be tiring.  However, these two little beauties are amazing.  My love for Kendall grew more than I knew possible when I saw her love for her little sister.  She turned into such a kind, amazing little person.  To hear her call her little sister, "you little cutie pie, you" instantly brings a smile to my face.  To see her instantly trying to find what Sydney wants to make her happy makes me proud beyond measure.

That love is far from one sided.  Kendall will be upset and Sydney will go and try to kiss her or rub her back.  Whatever Kendall asks for or does, Sydney is right there next to her, trying to emulate her big sister.  Being 19 months apart, those two are going to have a bond that is priceless.  Of course there have been and will be hard times.  Of course they will fight, and be annoyed with each other.  That's all part of it.  At the end of the day, I think the greatest gifts that we could give each of them we did.  We gave them a sister.  A best friend.  A lifelong companion.

As happy and content as it makes me that they have each other, I'm also feeling a sense of guilt.  I would love another child.  I feel like there is still another little person out there, just waiting to come into our home and into our arms.  However, as ready as I am to grow and meet this little baby, the timing just isn't quite right.  I think of all of the practicalities and logistics.  The girls are already sharing the second bedroom next to our room.  Would I put a baby downstairs in the third bedroom?  Where would we put all of the stuff in that room?  Our house really isn't big enough for another child.  How do we try to sell a house in this market?  It's better to wait it out a few years, and get a better return on our sale.  I just started a new job this summer.  I need to wait to build up my vacation time for the maternity leave.  Kendall will still be in daycare for 3 years. How would we afford three in daycare?  Etc., etc., etc.

That's where the guilt comes in.  While I can think of thousands of reasons why it'd be better to wait to have a baby, it doesn't make it feel any better.  Even if we were to try this fall, which is what I had always hoped, Sydney would still be 3 by the time the baby was born.  And, in all reality, I don't think it'll be this fall.

As I've said, the close age gap between the girls is so perfect to me.  I hate that if we do have another child, that they will not experience that.  I hate that we may have to wait until we are more financially ready, which will leave #3 to be the odd man out from the beginning.

I hate the balancing act between my heart and my head.  I feel like I know what the right answer is.  It really doesn't make it feel any better, though.

1 comment:

  1. Aww I'm sorry! I felt the same way as you. When I realized our kids would probably be 3 years apart in school. But at the end of the day you do what is best for your family, and I truly believe everything happens exactly when it's supposed to! All of your babies will be close, no matter what their age difference. But I do know how you feel! Whenever I start thinking like that I remind myself that it is only giving me more time with Quinny and I can cherish her for a little while longer!

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